


Theese bizzare caverns

by Metrowolf



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, Power Swap, dnd, dungeon run
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-04 04:04:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13356114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metrowolf/pseuds/Metrowolf
Summary: Tres horny boys have agreed to accompany Lup and Barry on a mission to recover a powerful artifact, but things quickly go from boring to bizarre when the caverns unpredictable magic causes them to switch powers.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> heyo, it's me, making new stuff. I've been off my writing game lately, and noticed I've spent a lot of time planning things, but almost no time at all writing things? So I decided to do a quick fic, not a lot of words but broken up into a few chapters, to get me going again.

  “Hey, remind me why I’m here?” Taako asked in his usual slow drawl, obviously annoyed at the situation he had found himself in. Barry and Lup turned to look at him in exasperation, while Merle and Magnus ignored his complaints. After two years on small adventures like this they were used to it.

  “Taako darling, you’re here because you’re my brother and you love me so much you’ll follow me into a literal hell cave,” Lup reminded him sweetly.

  “When you said we’d be going into the depths of hell to get Barry a new cup, I thought you were being facetious. We’ve been walking for about half an hour, it’s hot, and look!” He lifted his arms angrily, “pit stains! On my new frock!”

  Lup rolled her eyes. “We told you we were going to hell, it’s your fault you wore such a heavy outfit.”

  “If I can’t look my best in literal hell, where can I?” Taako retorted. He absent-mindedly patted his cloak of the manta ray. One day it was going to be useful. One day.

  “Besides Taako, this isn’t just some summer stroll for a new cup,” Barry added from the front of the group. “The thing we’re looking for is called the Solstice Vessel, and it’s a very powerful artifact!”

  “Yeah yeah, some dumb cup that gives you the power to smell color, who cares,” Taako huffed.

  “It what?” Magnus asked in confusion.

  “It doesn’t let you smell color, Taako is just being an asshole,” Lup corrected gently. She ignored Magnus’s soft ‘aww’ before continuing. “When drunk from it gives you the power over life and death itself.”

  “If you drink before a battle and fall, you’ll immediately get back up again. And again. And again. If I can get it, I might make a break through on the death saving spell I’ve been working on!” Barry said excitedly. He looked at Lup, a large smile on his face, and his wife just smiled back at him.

  “Whatever, I never want to sweat over something so trivial again,” Taako muttered, ignoring the two love birds.

  They had been wandering around the cave’s interior for almost an hour now. Magic didn’t quite work right in this place Lup and Barry had warned. We won’t be able to teleport to our prize like we normally do as reapers. So they had to find the entrance, the place where the barrier was weakest, and find their way through the dungeon like normal adventurers, and not the gods the five of them were. Taako stared daggers into the back of his sister’s head, who had clearly taken advantage of his kind and loving nature to drag him out here. She probably wanted to spend more time with him now that she had her body back. What a villain!

  The cave was boring at best. Tres horny boys had been to countless worlds, had seen innumerable horrors and met gods. This dinky little dungeon with its rough stone walls and distinct lack of enemies led to a bored adventure group. Since they had passed through the shimmering red wall that made up the barrier they hadn’t even seen any signs of magic. No traps, no wards. Nothing.

  But Lup had insisted they all come. “We’re not sure what we’re going to encounter while we’re in the cavern, we want to have some strong back up.”

   Taako had another insult on the tip of his tongue when he felt something. Not an entirely bad something, but a twisting feeling in his gut. Like something had just gone horribly wrong. The rest of the magic castors in the group came to a halt, whilst Magnus continued strolling happily, unaware something had changed with his friends.

  “Uh, Darling?” Lup asked, looking from Barry to Taako.

  “What was that?” Merle asked, scratching his soul wood arm nervously.

  “What was what?” Magnus asked, finally turning around to see his friends stopped in their tracks. He saw their grim expressions, and reached for Railsplitter, who had been strapped to his back and had been tragically unused so far in their journey.

  “Maybe it was a trap? For magic users or something?” Taako asked, feeling in his pocket for his wand.

  “A trap?!” Magnus exclaimed, immediately reaching into his bag for his thieves’ tools. He was always looking for a reason to use them, even if they had already triggered the trap.  

  The cave shifted suddenly around them, causing the five of them to lurch forward and lose their balance. Magnus caught the wall while Lup and Barry crashed into each other. Taako tried to cast levitate, but suddenly found that his magic wasn’t working at all, and instead fell directly on top of Merle, knocking them both to the ground. The shifting stopped as quickly as it started, and the group found themselves staring at a cave in.

  “Well this is bullshit,” Taako said, raising his wand to shrink the boulders and get them out of the way. But instead of casting reduce, a fireball shot out of the tip of his wand, bursting against the barricade and rebounding on the group.

  Magnus let out a yelp, holding his hand up to avoid the blast, and a blue shimmering field sprung forth.

  Taako stared at him, and Magnus just stared back.

  “Uh, quick question, what the fuck?” Lup asked, getting back to her feet and pulling Barry up with her.

  “Did you just cast shield of faith?” Merle asked slowly.

  “I, what?” Magnus asked, looking down at the blue shimmer still lingering on his hands. “I think I did?”

  “I tried to cast a transmutation spell and cast fireball instead,” Taako admitted. “Yes, I know, even the great Taako makes mistakes, I-“

  But he was cut off by Lup violently thrusting her arm into the air. Taako stared as she did it again, an expression of panic flickering across her face.

  “I can’t cast anything!” She exclaimed in worry, trying to make something appear.

  Barry and Merle looked at each other nervously, before pulling out their respective focuses. Merle pulled his extreme teen bible, closed his eyes, and said “I cast shield of faith!”

  A black bolt of energy shot from his fingertip and hit the ground, sizzling menacingly.

  “That was chill touch,” Barry said seriously. “A necromantic spell that you can’t cast. And I have a feeling-“ He frowned, before shifting into a large lion.

  “Polymorph?” Lup asked, the same time Taako shouted “Hey that’s my thing!”

  Then it dawned on them.

  “Oh dear deity, did we switch powers?” Lup asked incredulously.


	2. roll for initiative

Lup paced nervously, a hand over her mouth and her eyes narrowed in concentration.

  “There’s obviously going to be some overlap in our powers,” Barry was saying, directing his attention to the men in front of him. “Like, both Lup and I can, uh, could, cast counterspell, but only I could cast eyebite, which was in my school of magic.”

  Magnus and Merle were listening intently to their friend giving them magic advise, while Taako just rolled his eyes. Transmutation and evocation were similar enough schools that he would be able to use his sister’s powers with ease. He was more concerned with his twin, who was looking more and more distressed by the minute.

  “Hey Lup calm down, we knew this cave had weird effects on magic,” Taako tried to sooth her.

  “I appreciate your words dear brother, but my magic was not changed it was removed completely,” Lup stopped her pacing to take a deep breath and point a furious finger at her brother, “You were the one least affected by this goofus.”

  “Well, if we switched powers that just means you got Magnus,” Taako replied.

  “Oh right, silly me, I got all of Magnus’s special magic powers. Oh wait,” Lup crossed her arms.

  “Hey, I don’t have magic spells but I sure do hit stuff good,” Magnus said indignantly. “Maybe you got that?”

  Lup smacked Taako on the arm, and her twin yelped and jumped away from her. “oh look, I just used Magnus’s powers!”

  “Can we not use this opportunity to slam dunk on me?” Magnus sniffled, “I hit stuff REAL good Lup, you know that!”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Lup shrugged.

  “Listen, we don’t know how exactly this happened, but it’s most likely the effect of this weird place. So let’s finish this dungeon run, get my magic cup, and blow this popsicle stand and get our powers back. What say you love?” Barry asked his wife comfortably, putting an arm around her shoulders.

  Lup looked back at him, her mouth drawn in a thin line. She took a deep breath, before exhaling slowly. “Alright, let’s just get through this. It’s been easy enough so far, hopefully we won’t see any enemies and can just get the vessel and get out.”

  “Don’t jinx us,” Merle muttered, before a hand burst forth from the ground and grabbed his ankle.

  “Consider us jinxed,” Taako scowled as Merle and Magnus started screaming.

  The party suddenly found themselves surrounded, by a myriad of creatures. Hands reached from the cobblestone wall, breaking the hard material and sending stone shards scattering across the floor. They appeared from the walls and ceiling as well, dangling into the air above them.

    Merle shook his leg violently, trying to lose the grapple on him, but the arm just extended from the floor. The hand was followed by an elbow, and after that a shoulder. The stone beneath Merle cracked ominously, before exploding as an entire torso burst forth. An undead creature groaned as a second arm reached out for Merle’s other leg.

  “Zombies?” Magnus shouted.

  “No, these are clearly fairies,” Taako said sarcastically, pointing to a body that had just fallen out of the ceiling. “eeww,” he added for good measure, as a huge chunk of skin on the face sloped off and landed on his boot.

  “Merle, cast turn undead!” Lup shouted, her hand extending out of habit, before quickly returning to her side when she remembered she couldn’t cast anymore.

  “I have that spell?” Merle and Magnus asked at the same time.

  “You never used that spell?” Barry asked, cracking his knuckles and preparing a spell. “It’s a basic cleric thing! At high enough levels it could probably even effect Lup and I!”

  “well, not really,” Lup muttered out of the corner of her mouth.

  “We actually never encountered undead before?” Merle asked cautiously, still swinging his leg wildly trying to remove the arm. With a sickening crack the hand detached from the zombie’s body, and went sailing across the hall. It bounced off the boulders that were still blocking the way, before hitting the floor and being crushed as Lup stepped on it.

  “Aw man,” The zombie sighed.

  Taako twirled until he was back to back with Lup, a position that felt only natural following their hundred years fighting together. All together there were twenty zombies, but even with their powers swapped it would be no problem. Taako hoped. Merle, Magnus, and Barry fell into step next to them, ready to strike.

  “Lup, take this!” Magnus shouted dramatically, throwing her Railsplitter dramatically.

  “DON’T THROW WEAPONS AT YOUR TEAMMATES!” Taako and Lup yelled at the same time, but Lup caught the axe anyway. She spun it in a quick twirl, far more impressive than anything Magnus had ever done, ever, and then hoisted it above her head.

  “Let’s Kill some fuckin zombies!” Lup shouted, before bringing the axe down on the closest zombie.

  “Don’t the zombies get a surprise round?” Magnus asked curiously, holding his fists up in a defensive position.

  “You’re a spellcaster now, you don’t have to punch things anymore Magnus,” Taako remined him gently. He held up his wand, and cast chain lightening. A strong bolt shot from the tip of his weapon, striking the closest zombie and electrocuting it. The lightening then shot off in two more directions, completely frying two more zombies. The blackened husks collapsed to the floor. Three down, seventeen to go.

  One of the zombies took a swipe at Barry, and with a strangled yell Lup jumped on it, swinging the railsplitter fiercely.

  “Don’t! Touch! My! Husband!” She yelled, each word punctuated with a hit from the axe. The last swing cleaved the head in half, green and brown guts splattering across the floor. Lup stood up with a loud huff, before turning and swinging the axe at the next Zombie. She cut straight through the arm, but the axe got stuck in the ribs, and she tugged against it, trying to pull it back out.

  “Thanks for the assist babe!” Barry shouted at her, before turning on the next few zombies. He raised a palm and concentrated, but nothing happened. “Uh, what are the spell components for wall of force?” Barry asked his brother.

  “You don’t carry a bag of basic spell components?” Taako hissed, feeling for a pouch on his hip.

  “Forget it Taako, I got it!” Lup shouted, tossing him her bag of spell components.

  With the new gear Barry raised his hand again, and a solid wall cut across the hall, with five of the monsters trapped on the other side of it, away from the action. 

  “Nice Barold,” Magnus shouted, slapping his teammate heartily on the back. He grinned as he surveyed the remaining eleven zombies. One had an axe embedded in it’s ribs, and one was missing an arm, but otherwise they were undamaged.

 He remembered spell casting. He had done it once before, back when he had swapped powers with Taako in the teamwork dungeon. Of course, they had had the amazing Brad Bradson backing them up, and this time they only had Barry and Lup. A downgrade if Magnus had ever seen one. Regardless, he was sure he could cast something powerful, if only he knew a cleric spell. Zone of truth? That wouldn’t help here. And probably not hero’s feast either.

  “I cast, Spirit Guardians!” Magnus boomed, holding his hands up. A number of tiny flitting Della Reese’s appeared, darting around all of them. Five of the zombies were in the sphere around them, but one of them managed to step back before the tiny angels swung their deft little swords at them. The unlucky four were instantly drained of life, and all of them fell to the floor without a sound.

  “You know, you don’t have to say out loud what spell you’re casting,” Lup pointed out gently. Tres horny boys stared at her.

  “You don’t?” Merle asked.

  “Oh my god,” Lup mouth quietly to Barry. “That decade you guys spent on your own really ruined you huh?” 

  Before she could say anything else the reaming zombies lurched towards them. The one that was stuck on Lup reached over and bit her on the shoulder, making her yelp in pain. Two more were struck down by the guardians, but the reaming four reached for Magnus and Barry. Magnus shouted as two of them clawed at him. He knocked the first one off, but the second raked his ribs. It didn’t pierce his armor, but it was going to bruise later. The two after Barry both hit him, the first bit hard on his arm, the second scratched his face, knocking him to the ground.

  “Merle! Do something!” Lup screeched, trying to push the zombie that was on her off, and staring furiously at the two hurting Barry.

  “Sorry, I rolled super bad for initiative,” Merle muttered.

  “You have ADVANTAGE,” Taako reminded him, “How bad did you roll?”

 “Bad enough to go last smart ass,” Merle muttered. “What should I cast Barlod? I don’t know any necromancy spells.”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be necromancy exactly,” Taako replied instead, trying to shove the zombie off his sister. “There’s overlap remember! Just cast one of my awesome spells!”

  “One of your spells huh?” Merle said, in that ‘I have a bad idea’ tone. “I know exactly what we need here, and by that I mean I know WHO we need!”

  “What?” Lup asked.

  “Oh god no, not him, it’s too small and dirty here-“ Taako immediately started pleading, but was cut off by Merle shouting-

  “I cast phantom steed!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm gonna be real, I have never actually looked up Della Reese until I was writing this and making sure I was spelling her name right. fucking incredible.


End file.
